My March Wrapup

 Like last month's article. I wanted to spend some minutes looking back. Unlike February this was a month of muddling through. There was some upset at my job and so what followed was several weeks of being without management and a whole boatload of uncertainty. This was also the month that I started working at my new job which is a high end catering company. I know this comes as a surprise but having silly opinions about horror stories isn't the only thing I'm into. 

This month I also watched the entirety of The Conjuring-verse. A series that I'm currently writing a video essay on and because Mike Flanagan loves casting horror veterans that have worked for Blumhouse. Speaking of Mike Flanagan I also managed to watch a decent amount of his oeuvre this month. I think all I have left is Absentia(2011), Doctor Sleep(2019), and his College Films. 

There is one more thing I busted out this month and that was the rest of the mobile games I reference on this blog. There were of various levels of awfulness which honestly just gives me more appreciation for the quality of games I manages to review on this platform. 

Podcasts

Adam Ruins Everything

Referenced: Code Switch

The first time I ever heard of Adam Conover, was when he was a writer for College Humor. For the CH nerds out there this was before Emily Axford and Brian Murphy left and way before Allie and Raphael joined. Adam isn't the only member whose found success away from CH shadow. Jake and Amir produced Lonely and Horny, a webseries funded by TBS and truTV and Emily/Brian starred in Hot Date, which was produced by Pop TV. Suffice to say that CH has kept a strong relationship with its past members, (at least from the Hardly Working era), and many of the web series that its formal employees worked on were advertised and ported to the College Humor channel. This is how I found out about Adam Ruins Everything: The TV Show. 

Adam Ruins Everything is a pretty simple premise. In an almost Magic School Bus-esque sequence, a guest star who was often played by a comedian, (I.E Rachel Bloom, River Butcher), would be shanghaied by a puckish Adam through the absolutely dreadful world of whatever the episode's topic was. The episode's would cover a wide variety of subjects from breastfeeding and girl games, to the funeral industry and each episode would end with a guest expert who would give witness testimony and insight to how the Prison Industrial Complex or Public Transportation worked. While I haven't binged the TruTv show I did watch a good portion of the clips they premiered on the CH YouTube Channel and the skit comedy and editing worked for me. The podcast is essential an extension of that were Adam Conover has a longer interview with the expert from the episode. One segment, one episode podcast, I mean that's so clever its a built-in structure. 

As I've never seen the show it was something that hung out in my Google Music, (RIP) watchlist for years that I never clicked on because I was ignoring the 15 other audio dramas that I would eventually find out were fire. Once I actually got down to it I realize that I really liked non-fiction podcasts.

I like people talking about whatever and I don't feel bad if I get distracted by something because it's a self contained episode. I also really loved the topics they brought up. A few standout episodes for me were. Episode 47, (Girl Games), Episode 46, (Cancer Research and the limits of the mouse model),  and Episode 1, (Municipal Transit). I really loved the hosts and the podcast really manages to make topics that wouldn't necessarily be the most accessible into an enjoyable experience.

Unfortunately Adam Ruins Everything: The TV Show has been unceremoniously canceled which means that the podcast has met the same fate. 

TV Shows

The Stranger

Referenced: 11 shows I'm excited to see on Quibi

"When a stranger makes a shocking claim about his wife, family man Adam Price becomes entangled in a mystery as he desperately searches for answers."

The Stranger is a British Mini-series based on the novel by Harlen Coben, not to confused with the short-form Thriller of the same name that is now on Roku. It was also phrasing like this that managed to get this series on my BB watchlist. It was also so subtle that for a second I thought I watched the wrong show. 

For those that don't know Netflix has signed a 5-year deal with Harlen Coben, an American writer, to adapt 14 of his novels. This is one of them. I'm not familiar with his work since I don't tend to read contemporary fiction so this will not be a review of the work as an adaptation. 

The Stranger is a pretty standard potboiler story. Large ensemble cast with a lot of secrets, an interesting antagonist with grey morality, and multiple storylines that intersect. On one hand I enjoyed this series for what it is, the dad was a DILF, the detective was an older women which was refreshing, the gays weren't offensive, and some of the storylines were downright enjoyable. At the same time this show was pretty run of the mill, especially when Netflix has had some really great thrillers such as last years Clickbait. 

Also I need to call out that The Stranger's queer baiting, its pretty clear that The Stranger and her Accomplice are secret lesbian lovers and Netflix, (or rather Red Production Company), needs to step their pussy up. They already rewrote the character to be a biracial women so for them to be weirdly CW about their queer representation feels like a rather mixed message. 

Video Games

Hells Kitchen Match and Design

Referenced: Gallery

I spent a lot of time in my video game reviews being a little bitch and calling out the shovelware that is endemic to the industry. I'm gonna be incredible brief in these reviews because there was very little of substance for the majority of these games. Hell's Kitchen is probably one of the worst renovation games I've played from the app store.  Id call this an asset flip game but those games at least have a consistent aesthetic among they exploitative ad playing. This game looks like babys first Gamejam with a PS2 texture pack and characters that scream we have Vineyard Valley at home. 

Word Villas

Referenced: Gallery

Word Villas is one of those games that I would see in game ads but never play because the marketing team was like what if cheating and pregnancy was a fresh faux story idea?, (don't ask). Unfortunately what we got was an incredible bland story and a sense of players agency that borders on railroading. Renovation games often give players an option of 3 choices for each task the players complete. Some games, (such as Matchington Manor if I remember correctly), offer a third bougie option either for premium or standard currency. WV takes an inspired choice to offer only 1 free option with every other one as a paid option. This wouldn't be a problem if WV used a currency based point buy system like the original Gardenscapes, (The PC game) but unfortunately it uses a level based system. Which means that if a player wants a fancy cat house they have to pay out the nose twice. The characters are boring, the graphics are honestly incredible flat and the entire game feels very uninspired. 

Sugar Blast

Referenced: Small Town Murders

I have absolutely nothing mean to say about Sugar Blast. I referenced this game in my review of Small Town Murders when discussing the catalogue of Novio Entertainment. Sugar Blast is another one of their properties. Giving that Novio cut its teeth in the social game scene it makes sense why Sugar Blast carries the same kind of play style as other blast and match games such as those made by King, (you may know them from Candy Crush but my favorite was Papa Pear Saga, which is totally not a ripoff of Peggle, shut up). Simple put Sugar Blast has a Social Game sensibility, which means its highly polished and well designed. Unfortunately it also suffers from a significant lack of both story and challenge. For a timewaster or for people that enjoyed the Candy Crush module of Blast Games then this would be a good fit for you. 

Everything Else I played

🎮Hollow Knight

🎮Love & Pies

🎮Blush Blush

🎮Altos Odyssey

🎮Vector

Movies

Gerald's Game(2017)

Referenced: The Haunting of Hill House

"SOME GAMES YOU PLAY. SOME YOU SURVIVE. 

When her husband’s sex game goes wrong, Jessie (who is handcuffed to a bed in a remote lake house) faces warped visions, dark secrets and a dire choice."

Inside of you is two wolfs, one of them is  turned on by the Fish Mooney Femdom scene from Gotham Season 1 Episode 5 and the other one is terrified that they going to be trapped like Carla Gugino from this movie. Both of them really need a hug. 

When I first heard of this film I figured it was gonna be like Cujo, (the book, fuck the movie), and feature a terrifying descent into madness. Which is part of the film, the other part is Gugino unpacking the trauma she faced from the sexual abuse she went through as a child. Fun!

This movie was probably one of the best King adaptations and I'm still kind of hoping that Flanagan makes a King adaptation that's more like his earlier horror films like Oculus. The performances are great and it manages to curtail Kings weird sex shit in a way that actually works for the story. 

I personally feel like this is my exact shit since I love these types of bottle episode survivalist stories but I also understand that this movie is not for everyone since it deals with a lot of sexual abuse. 

Also I'm kind of not sad, Bruce Greenwood died in this movie. Like he literally spung Noncon on his wife without telling her, didn't establish a safe word,  didn't make sure there was a way for his rope bunny to untie herself, and he gets angry when she's not into it? OK, Christian Gray, problematic much?

Rating: Great Film/Personal Recommendation

Ouija: Origin of Evil (2016)

Referenced: The Haunting of Hill House

"WHEN YOU TALK TO THE OTHER SIDE, YOU NEVER KNOW WHO WILL BE
LISTENING. 

In 1965 Los Angeles, a widowed mother and her two daughters add a new stunt to bolster their séance scam business and unwittingly invite authentic evil into their home. When the youngest daughter is overtaken by the merciless spirit, this small family confronts unthinkable fears to save her and send her possessor back to the other side."

So I watched the original Ouija(2014) movie and it is literally the worse thing I have ever seen. Ok, compared to that movie, Polaroid(2019) and The Bye Bye Man(2017) are masterpieces. It was so awful and it wasn't even fun b-movie awful, it is by definition the worst kind of horror. Then Mike Flanagan was encouraged by Jason Blum to make a sequel to it and I thought to myself. 

I love Mike Flanagan, he's a great director but how could you ever make any movie that's based on that film any good.

 Well Bitch guess what the movies fucking great here's why. For shits and giggles it's in a numbered list. 

1. Period Setting: They told New Line to suck it because James Wan isn't the only one on the block who can make family driven aesthetic horror. OoE is set in the '70s and there serving looks after looks honey. 
2. Mysticism and Fakery: The family does "readings" which involves a lot of table knocking and a bunch of other fakery that was really popular during the spiritualist movement. This is otherwise known as my favorite shit. I love spoopy ghost shit and people being clever and faking creepy ghost shit. 
3. Its a rom-com almost: They take a page out of Raising Helen(2004) and have the mom,(Elizabeth Reaser), just look absolutely stunning and try to seduce her daughters HS principle whose also a priest. Love that for her. 

This movie was aesthetic, it was creepy, and Elizabeth Reaser is probably one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. I adored this film. 

Rating: Great Film/Personnal Recommendation

Annabelle: Creation (2017)

Referenced: The Haunting of Hill House

"YOU DON’T KNOW THE REAL STORY

Several years after the tragic death of their little girl, a doll maker and his wife welcome a nun and several girls from a shuttered orphanage into their home, soon becoming the target of the doll maker’s possessed creation—Annabelle."

To start this review I just wanted to point out some things I really like about the movie that I couldn't figure out how to work in. 

1. Disabled Protagonist, always gonna shout that out in a horror movie, I can count all the horror movies I've seen with a physically handicapped protagonist on one hand, and accordingly to Letterboxd I've seen 223

2. This movie's use of architectural detail. The themes of the film are represented through symbolic design choices and I like when movies add in those little details. 

This film has a lot of things I do like, the characters, the set design, the gothic tone which none of the other films ever managed to capture, but the main issue for me is consistency. There are some really great scary moments, some really interesting visuals, but it never really ties into a cohesive narrative and the third act is a mess. That lack of strength in the script department really drags down both the scares and the storyline which is rather sad. This could have been a great modern gothic film like Crimson Peak(2015) or The Boy(2016) but just falls flat into an alright one.

Rating: Popcorn Film

Annabelle Comes Home (2019)

Referenced: The Haunting of Hill House

"POSSESS THEM ALL

Determined to keep Annabelle from wreaking more havoc, demonologists Ed and Lorraine Warren bring the possessed doll to the locked artifacts room in their home, placing her “safely” behind sacred glass and enlisting a priest’s holy blessing. But an unholy night of horror awaits as Annabelle awakens the evil spirits in the room, who all set their sights on a new target—the Warrens’ ten-year-old daughter, Judy, and her friends."

I already wrote reviews for the conjuring verse movies for my YouTube channel so I'm just gonna share these two here. 

I feel at this point I think it would be good to point out the difference between The Conjuring trilogy and the rest of the spinoffs. Thematically The Conjuring trilogy is very similar, using an ethos and theming that ties into the overarching story of the Warrens, the rest of the films are for lack of a better word different. Annabelle(2014) is a moody drama that somebody adapted from their Helter-Skelter fanfiction, Annabelle: Creation is a traditional gothic story with some blockbuster scares thrown in. And The Nun(2018) is somebody trying to make a serious Nunsplotation movie. 

What I’m trying to say is that The Conjuring is its own self sufficient work with its own story and theming and that these spin-offs don’t have to follow that. These films can be experiments and random little offshoots of the main series and that doesn’t necessarily make them bad it makes them different. 

To quote producer Peter Safran:

“The idea of Night at the Museum in the artifact room — it just felt great," Safran continued, "and it's kind of been that the whole way through just from the script development, storyboards, and prepping the movie. Just every step of the way, we were like, 'This is really an interesting one and it just feels different.'”

Now I don’t want to minimize peoples objections with the plot and there are some very valid criticism about the characters and other technical aspects of the film. At the same time I think it's important to recognize that this film is a different tone than the other films. It's more emotional grounded in the drama between the main characters and it takes place over a shorter period of time. It's more of a teen film then the serious brooding “adult” conjuring films and if your not prepared for that then you may not be receptive to what it's trying to show you. 

For me I absolutely loved this film its probably one of my favorite films of the series because it hits all the sweet spots for what The Conjuring is but it also allows itself some lightness. What made The Conjuring Trilogy and the movies that inspired it so good was its ability to find lightness in darkness. 

Also I’m mildly obsessed with the sweater girl look and Katie Sarife is serving it.

Rating: Great Film/Personal Recommendation

Tales From The Hood (1995)

Referenced: Candyman

"CHILL OR BE CHILLED

A strange funeral director tells four strange tales of horror with an African American focus to three drug dealers he traps in his place of business."

"Creepshow dir. Mario von Peeble, Marlon Wayans." - My obnoxious Letterboxd Review. 

Every time I saw the poster for this I just assumed that this film was a hood film and therefore exploitative. Mostly because I'm a white liberal and I like to perform wokeness yaaas🎉🎉🎉🎉

What I got was a surprisingly fun anthology film that took a lot of inspiration from the same well that gave us Romero's Creepshow. Instead of the Cryptkeeper  we get a mortician who I absolutely love, ("the shit, ooooh the drugs"), and instead of white people nonsense we get a slap in the face about issues that affect that black community. These stories were not subtle in the absolute fucking slightest. So let's break them down. 

Rogue Cop Revelation

A black cop witnesses a group of white officers brutalize a Civil Rights activist. He objects but his partner intimidates him not to snitch. The black officer quits the force after the police officers frame the activist by planting the heroin they had been dealing on his body before dumping it in the ocean. All is well and good until the one year anniversary when the Activist rises from the grave to murder the cops who killed him. ending with the last cop being crucified to a brick wall by hypodermic needles and becoming a mural through ghost magic. A situation that has absolutely no political subtext. 

Boys Do Get Bruised

A school teacher comes to check up on one of his students who has been sustaining injuries from a "monster". You can guess where it goes from there. 

KKK Comeuppance

A former KKK member runs for office with the help of a black campaign manager who helps put a spin on his incredible racist past. The CM is one of the good ones, you get it. Oh also he lives in an old timely plantation house where the first owner murdered all of his slaves after the civil war ended because he didn't want them to be free. But wait there's more. Miss Cobbs, a hoodoo practioner transferred all of the slaves souls into rag dolls.

This story basically ends like its Trump vs. The Puppet Master its pretty fucking great. 

Hard-Core Convert

This story literally has a white supremacist look at this gang banger and say hey thanks for murdering all those black people. It is not subtle. It also involves said gang-banger going through some 60s sci-fi conversion therapy shit where he literally has to confront the ghosts of all of his victims he killed through gang violence. 

TL;DR This movie was campy fun and also a very aggressive social commentary all through the lens of a hood bridge narrative. I loved this it was fucking amazing. 

Rating: We're Watching This Right Now

Oculus(2013)

Referenced: The Haunting of Hill House

"YOU SEE WHAT IT WANTS YOU TO SEE

A woman tries to exonerate her brother’s murder conviction by proving that the crime was committed by a supernatural phenomenon."

Apparently Flanagan casted Karen Gillan in this because he really likes Doctor Who. Found that wholesome and wanted you to know. 

The first time I ever heard of Oculus was when I was really deep into my pop culture is bad actually phase of middle school and I consumed CinemaSins like it was a religion and not an edgy piece of pop criticism. I still remember the first time I watched the CS review and thought hey that looks really cool. 

If you've seen Episode 6 of Haunting of Hill House you may have an idea of how this movie plays out. The beginning of the film starts out with a belief/skeptic dynamic were Gillan exposits the history of the mirror and her brother, (Benton Thwaites), gives a rational clinical explanation of the events including the death of their parents. As the mirror begins excluded more influenced the movie begins conflating the two timelines between past and present much like Episode 6. I honestly love the formatting and structure of this movie. 

This movie is a trip and as Flanagan films go one of his more creative. Absolute kino. 

Rating: Great Film/Personal Recommendation

Everything Else I Watched

📽️The Nun(2018)

📽️Annabelle(2014)

📽️The Conjuring(2013)
📽️Cat Burglar(2022)
📽️The Curse of La Llorona(2019)
📽️The Conjuring 2(2016)
📽️The Conjuring: The Devil Made me Do it(2021)
📽️Ouija(2014)
📽️The Block Island Sound(2020)
📽️Oculus: Chapter 3 - The Man with the Plan (2006)

📽️X (2022)