Movies I have Seen part 3

Scream (1996)

Referenced: Friend Request, Creeped Out, Candyman

"SOMEONE HAS TAKEN THEIR LOVE OF SCARY MOVIES ONE STEP TOO FAR.

A killer known as Ghostface begins killing off teenagers, and as the body count begins rising, one girl and her friends find themselves contemplating the ‘rules’ of horror films as they find themselves living in a real-life one."

So this is the first slasher film that I ever saw and good on me for having taste. Scream was considered Wes Craven's "Send-Up" of the genre and while I have not seen enough of the slasher classics to give a great opinion, I can say that Scream is a great deconstruction  as well as being a solid horror film. It's also one of the few horror films where the characters are not genre blind and having that resistance, these moments where the characters poke fun at horror movies, the numerous moments of meta-ness are just incredible satisfyingly. This film is both a criticism and love letter to the genre and it's great. The deaths are memorable, the slasher is over the top and ridiculous, and the ending is just lovely. 

 One moment I thought could illuminate this film is Tatum Riley's death in the film. From the way that she makes fun of the slasher, to the way she fights back was just so impactful. I mentioned how a lot of slashers are almost a force of nature. An undefeatable evil instead of a human being. Watching Ghostface groan as Tatum smacked him in the face with a beer bottle really humanized the slasher in a way that most films don't. Her death scene is absurd and clever and now that I'm looking back at this film it also has a fair amount of fan service. I like to think that I remembered this scene because of its subversive and interesting take on the genre but it is possible I was just thirsty teenage boy and I might just have for a thing for sarcastic woman in turtlenecks. 

Rating: Great Film/Personnel Recommendation

Final Destination (2000)

Referenced: Friend Request

"NO ACCIDENTS. NO COINCIDENCES. NO ESCAPES. YOU CAN’T CHEAT DEATH.

After a teenager has a terrifying vision of him and his friends dying in a plane crash, he prevents the accident only to have Death hunt them down, one by one."

Fun Fact: Final Destination was the last film I bought on DVD. I have since lost said DVD but I thought that was a cool thing to shout out.* 

Final Destination is one of those film series that understands how over the top and ridiculous the slasher genre is and they lean in. Fans don't watch these films for the complicated plots or deep characters they watch these films for the over-the-top death scenes by Rube Goldberg devices. If the Saw franchise is an edgy alt teenager smoking clove cigarettes' and listening to Frankenstein Drag Queens from Planet 13, then Final Destination is its nerdier younger brother. Final Destination is over-the-top but its also clever and it rewards its viewers who are paying attention with a whole fuck ton of little Easter eggs and references. 

For the first movie in a series I can say that FD does a good job setting up the franchise. The deaths are a bit more tame and the rules are not as complicated. The plot is surprisingly based and the characters actions make a lot of sense. I have a lot of love for the series despite its flaws buts its also the type of film that you have to take with a grain of salt. 

Rating: Great Film/Personnel Recommendations

Cujo (1983)

Referenced: The Haunting of Hill House

"NOW THERE’S A NEW NAME FOR TERROR…

A friendly St. Bernard named “Cujo” contracts rabies and conducts a reign of terror on a small American town."

Stephen King is a differcult author to adapt. Hes the type of person who will overwrite a few hundred pages for the atmosphere and a lot of his stories take a rather broad approuch to setting the scene. Also dude loves a good inner monologue. Now while I haven't seen every movie or screen adaptation of his, (theres a lot), I can saw his adaptations can be polerizing even the good ones. This is not one of them. 

Before I get into the movie proper I want to take a trip down memory lane.  When I was 10 or 11 my parents drove my granpas 1983 Dodge Ram B-Series a behometh of a vehicle that I am nostaglic for to this day. Now my mother was ad advid reader and she would often keep whatever novel she was thumbing through at the time. Sometimes it was something steamy like Nora Roberts or Danielle Smith but sometimes it revealed my mothers more horror bound taste like Pratical Magic, (the book) or in this instence Cujo. 

This issue is particuler was the 1982 signet release of Cujo. A copy I still own to this day. It was the first time I ever read Stephen King. I'll summerize.  The main story takes place between two perspectives, Donna Trenton, whos is having an affair do to generalized marital ennue, and Charity Chambers, the wife of their mechanic who is stuck in an abusive relationship and is gathering the courage to leave along with her young son. Donna takes the car to the mechanic and do to a variety of events and death, Donna Trenton and her son Tad are stuck in a hot car while a 300 pound rabid St. Berard, slams its walking corpse against the doors of the car. The following pages detail how the mother and her child succumb to heat stroke and dehydration. Theres a lot of themes in this book but the real horror of  it is not a big scary dog. Its being helpless to save people, to save yourself, to save your loved ones. Its about realizing that sometimes when we go through the motions that eventually theres noone there, just instant and emotion slamming your body against a car door. 

The medium is the message and while this novel works well on the page. All the perspective hopping and side plots and detailed inner monologues help us build the situration in our mind that is a big ask for a movie. Especially a movie that lets all be honest was most likely pushed out because producers were starting to see the efficacy of bankrolling king adaptations. No tea no shade but this film failed at reproducing the heart of cujo all we got was literally the front cover, the slobbering maw and for a book that had plenty of sleeze in it, its kinda dissapointing they couldn't have played that up. 

Rating: So bad its bad

Under The Tuscan Sun (2003)

Referenced: The Haunting of Hill House

"LIFE OFFERS YOU A THOUSAND CHANCES … ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TAKE ONE.

After a rough divorce, Frances, a 35 year old book editor from San Francisco takes a tour of Tuscany at the urgings of her friends. On a whim she buys Bramasole, a run down villa in the Tuscan countryside and begins to piece her life together starting with the villa and finds that life sometimes has unexpected ways of giving her everything she wanted."

I referenced this movie as it is based off of yet another book I own, ( last count was 300 so this is not a surprise). I never finished the book but I can say there are some differences. The book follows several trips taken by a teacher to what is essentially a summer home in the Italian Countryside and fits into that lovely niche of Food Writing/Memoir.  I rather liked the writing style and at the time in my life I was fascinated by Mediterranean cuisine, ( I don't mention this often but I'm a cook by profession). The movie itself was pretty basic. Think When in Rome (2010) meets The Money Pit(1986). I liked the film enough but there was nothing really unique about it. My recommendation watch My Life in Ruins (2009) and Mamma Mia (2008) if you want a good Mediterranean Romance. 

Rating: popcorn film

Neverending Story (1984)

Referenced: The Haunting of Hill House

"A BOY WHO NEEDS A FRIEND FINDS A WORLD THAT NEEDS A HERO IN A LAND BEYOND IMAGINATION!

While hiding from bullies in his school’s attic, a young boy discovers the extraordinary land of Fantasia, through a magical book called The Neverending Story. The book tells the tale of Atreyu, a young warrior who, with the help of a luck dragon named Falkor, must save Fantasia from the destruction of The Nothing."

So if you are around my age, ( I'm 24 BTW),  then this movie along with Princess Bride(1987), pretty much defined your childhood. There is so many things to talk about this film but the long story short is that this is the type of madcap fantasy movie that actually works. This film from a narrative standpoint has an alice-in-wonderland feel in the sense that the plot is a series of vignettes where our protagonist goes from one place to the other. 

BOOM, talking rock monster.

BOOM,  ancient mud turtle in the swamp of despair.

BOOM, wolf puppets that haunt my nightmares.

BOOM, titty sphinxes of annihilation.

 

 Maybe its something about the 80s but that decade managed to make these super whimsical, over the top fantasy stories and they worked. This movie is just plain nostalgia. Its just a classic film. Also does anyone remember Time Bandits that was such a good film.

Rating: Were Watching this Right Now

Jurassic Park (1993)

Referenced: The Haunting of Hill House

"AN ADVENTURE 65 MILLION YEARS IN THE MAKING.

A wealthy entrepreneur secretly creates a theme park featuring living dinosaurs drawn from prehistoric DNA. Before opening day, he invites a team of experts and his two eager grandchildren to experience the park and help calm anxious investors. However, the park is anything but amusing as the security systems go off-line and the dinosaurs escape."

Another 80s book adaptation. Despite my absolute love for Michael Crichton novels. Jurassic Park is the only Crichton Adaptation I've seen I know I'm normie trash. 

This story does better as a movie then it does a book. Jurassic Park is not a bad novel but I was honestly bored by it especially considering how faithfully it was adapted. Its almost 1:1 its impressive. The movie itself is just a classic. It's a quintessential '80s film theres not much else you can say about it. The sound track is amazing cause its Scott Williams, the characters are fleshed out; There's strong female characters and likable children characters. Its also just a solid science fiction movie. Maybe I'm blinded by nostalgia but this is just one of those movies that are near perfect. 

Rating: Were Watching This Right Now

The Lighting Thief (2010)

Referenced: The Haunting of Hill House

" WORLDS COLLIDE

Accident prone teenager, Percy discovers he’s actually a demi-God, the son of Poseidon, and he is needed when Zeus’ lightning is stolen. Percy must master his new found skills in order to prevent a war between the Gods that could devastate the entire world."

Oh look its the death of my childhood. 

Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson Series is amazing and was one of my favorite fantasy book series growing up. It is literally my childhood and then Hollywood came along and crapped on everything good and holy. This movie is a blasphemy it is a heresy. First of all this film is loosly based on the novel. I say loosely because except for a few iconic scenes most of the books plot is completely scrapped. The characterization is bastardized and everything that makes the books so unique is oversimplified to a generic urban fantasy movie. Remember The Sorcerers Apprentice(2010)? That movie wasn't the best but it still managed to come out the same year and be stylish. 

Without the vitriol this movie is a pale imitation of the story and world building of the novels. The plot is serviceable but the writing and characterization is weak. Even if this was an original property it would be a poor movie but if this was a originally IP it wouldn't be made because its clear this film was a soulless shovelware cashgrab.

Rating: So bad its bad. 

A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)

Referenced: The Haunting of Hill House

"MISHAPS. MISADVENTURES. MAYHEM. OH JOY.

Three wealthy children’s parents are killed in a fire. When they are sent to a distant relative, they find out that he is plotting to kill them and seize their fortune. This movie is extremely alarming, an expression which here means “a thrilling misadventure involving three ingenious orphans and a villainous actor named Count Olaf (Jim Carrey) who wants their enormous fortune.” It includes a suspicious fire, delicious pasta, Jim Carrey, poorly behaved looches(Sic), Billy Connolly, an incredibly deadly viper, Meryl Streep, and the voice of an imposter named Jude Law."

Oh my poor weeping heart. This was the first film I ever watched in theaters without my parents and boy was my heart and soul crushed up like it was a tender root in a herbal suppliment. First of all if you have ever read the books. Run, run away from this dumpster fire. Second, completely random aside my parents where watching Enchanted (2007) in the next theater over. I don't know how since the movies came out three years apart but because I'm not a female lead in a Vincent Price play I'm going to trust that my memories of a movie I watched over a decade ago are accurate. Also the point of me mentioning it was that Enchanted was actually kinda fire like we sleep on that film way too much. 

The movie essentially adapts the first three out of THIRTEEN books in the series and condenses the plot into a standard 90 minute run-time. As you can imagine not well. Also they cut out the ending of the first book and slap it down at the end. Another Issue I had is that there was an androgynous side character that was very explicitly stated that you couldn't tell what this person looked like because they where shaped like a thumb and this movie reads that and goes oh obviously we just make the person wear a freaking Victor/Victoria cosplay the entire goshdarn movie and sure its a cool reference but how many 10 year old children are going to be familiar with a 1930's musical? The one thing I will give this film is that they did try to capture the aesthetic and feel of the movie they just failed horrible. If you want to see a live-action adaptation of this book series watch the Netflix Show. It's the adaptation that the books deserve and it manages to add to the story in a way that feels satisfyingly. Also it has Nathan Fillion in it and I will watch anything involving that man, (unless we're talking Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters (2013) cause fuck that movie.

Rating: So bad it's bad. 

Rosemary's Baby (1968)

Referenced: 11 Shows I'm Excited To See On Quibi

"PRAY FOR ROSEMARY’S BABY

A young couple moves into an infamous New York apartment building to start a family. Things become frightening as Rosemary begins to suspect her unborn baby isn’t safe around their strange neighbors."

One of my favorite holiday traditions is on Halloween. Every All Hollows Eve I like to sit down with my legal drug of choice (at this time a white claw because i'm trying to be a skinny betch hunty), and binge watch horror movies. Granted I do this about every week now but when I started it in HS it felt a lot more impactful. The reason why I mention this is that the first time I watched two films,  The Fly(1958) (you know the one with Vincent Price), and Rosemary's Baby. My first thought was "Oh this is probably rated R because it came out in the 60s and they said a damn or something." I was quickly proven wrong because even through this movie has the tamest sideways floor sex I've ever seen, This movie is super dark. 

There are a lot of really great aspects of the film from the cinematography to the dialogue but for me the real cincher is Mia Fallow's performance. The majority of the second act plays into the suspense aspect of the film in a way that only '60s films really capture. Fallow sells her character so well and its also just a perfect example of how pregnancy can be an impactful trope in horror. According to Wikipedia Rosemary's Baby is "considered a hallmark of art-horror." and yeah this is a masterpiece horror film. its fantastic, its iconic, and It was one of the first films that showed me that horror can be innovative and deep.

Rating: Were Watching This Film Right Now

Teeth (2007)

Referenced: CAM

"EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORNS.

Dawn is an active member of her high-school chastity club but, when she meets Tobey, nature takes its course, and the pair answer the call. They suddenly learn she is a living example of the vagina dentata myth, when the encounter takes a grisly turn."

It's not often that I can say that I've watch a film that's unapologetically feminist and going into it do know this film involves a lot of dick biting, sexual assault, and unsubtle political messaging. 

If I'm being honest I don't think this is a bad film but it is very heavy handed in its messaging to the point that it almost overtakes the story. This film centers entirely around our protagonist Dawn and the various ways that men want to sexually assault her until she realises that pussy bites back. Sex just like any other vice will always find its way into horror but its not often that we have films that acknowlage the way that sex affects our lives especially the lives of woman. This film is definitely not for the average movie goer but it does manage to deliver a message in between or maybe in despite of its campy but purposely allegorical story. 

Rating: It's Complicated