My May Wrapup: God why the fuck do I work so goddamn much

Hey Whores, another month in the bag. Looking through this month I wonder if there is anything of importance that I can really give you. So lets just get into it. 

First I finally finished my FIRST GAY KISS movie watchlist. I mean I still have to write the extremly long essay on the topic but hey we all have our shit to deal with. If you want to know its like 30 pages long already so theres going to be a few different revisions before this is presentable. So happy pride month I guess. 

Besides that I didn't watch many other films. I did see The Old Dark House (both of them), which I do like both but also James Whale is a faggot visionary and we have no choice but to stan. 

I also saw the 1931 version of The Maltese Falcon which was like insane to find, (hint its on the Internet Archive), its fine can't wait to see the '41 version because I also Watched the Bette Davis vehicle Satan Met a Lady, (which if your not hip and with it is also a Maltese adaptation but its like a silly little comedy TRANSLATION: It sucks). 

Besides that I've mostly just been working. which like YAYAYYY MONEY but also BOOO I don't get a chance to hang out with my friends so our cyberpunk game has been kinda hiatused for awhile. through that being said I did get a chance to make some fanart of my character which was really fun let me see if it will work on here.  

So apparently this blogging software won't let me put two photos within the same column which I probably could try to do some magic with inline CSS but also shoot me in the back of the fucking head. DO YOU THINK I WANT TO DO THAT SHIT?

I'm not sure how to feel about being done with my movie watchlist because now I have the absolute freedom to watch anything I want and I'm starting to realize that I don't want to fucking watch anything half the time. 

Its some Anaylsis Paralysis bullshit which speaking of which check that link its a good short film. 

I'm also just kinda pissed because one of my employees is draggin her feet on fucking screduling me which like COME THE FUCK ON. Seriously how long does it take to tell me hey pencil the 24th off and I'll call you before I know more. I can fit in the hours if you can't and I'm not getting paid enough to wait for you. Fuck. 

thanks for letting me vent ok lets see. Mostly Played Minecraft while binging cooking shows so I'm just going to school through my Netflix History tab and work backward. This is a low energy article. Sorry whores daddy needs an accessibility break from his VERY illustrios DIFFERCULT job as a third rate media critic.

... ... ...  

OK it took me a minute to find it but I'm back
 

first it cracks me up that theres a delete fuction in my show history like what bitch do I not want my wife to know I was jerking it to Nyphomaniac Vol II? Like I didn't finish the credits its going to be sitting in my Continue Watching List for the next 30 days. What I'm saying is that I'm an adult so I use the private browsing mode on firefox to buy a present for my non-existant wife. 

Anyway first up Is Barbecue Showdown, which I just started season 2 of. Will say that I like Season 1 a bit better but this season has THE TRENCH which is like this metal ass open air cooking pit that they have to cook in each episode so thats fun and I like how the show really pushes them to consider non traditional or at least non ethocentric cooking style. 

If you can't tell Barbecue Showdown is a Barbecue cooking show, 8 contestants 45 minute episodes we're been here bitch. The hosts are affable and the Judges are something else. I've never seen a Judge be like openly sarcastic. This show is shady, the'll walk over and be like HEEEEEEYYYYYS and then there walk away doing this emoji. 🤢🤢🤢

Which like yeah girl she was going to put 50% fat content in her sausage, (seriously what the fuck), but like why you gotta be a little bitch like that????

IDK theres something very fascinating about a cooking show were the judges are like "Fuck I have to eat this now... ugh". Iconic 5/5 

Next up is Best Leftovers EVER! which is more similar to Nailed It! in the spectrum of cooking shows. One I will say that this is one of my least favorite shows I've seen. let me break this down. So in general a cooking show should be appealing to one of two types of cooks. There is the tired housewife scene which is were your like DUMP CAKES and informercials and fun tips and tricks for like refreshing your pasta. Shit thats easy and pratical and can spice up your meals without having to learn what A GODDAMN DAMN RAMP IS... LIKE WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THAT ... STOP INVENTING NEW VEGATABLES YOU GODDAMN BOUGAUSIE ASSHOLES!

 Note: Ramp is just a fancy name for a spring onion it just sound nice on a menu.

The other type of cook is like the foodie or home chef. There the ones that want to go out and have opinions on gyurere and ricotta, and a third foreign sounding cheese. They get appealed with like Iron Chef and Chefs Table and that really good Tubi show were that one guy just got to hang out with little old italian nonnas. that show was great. 

So heres my issue. This show feels like its aiming for the amatuer market and your going to get like smart innovative techniques to like revamp your food and then you watch it and there fucking being like. Yeah heres my gourmet plating of my Polenta Pastaciatte with a Sauce Allamande and a Tarragon Gastique and its like bitch known of these whores who think they fancy for reheating there pizza in a skillet is going to be able to get this. The only reason why I can is because I'm a goddamn professional cook. its a muddled tone to say the least. 

My biggest gripe in that regard is that what makes this kind of tranformative cooking fascinating is to explain the thought process behind it. what is Gnochhi, what is Bibimbap, what is a Gastique. Is reusing leftovers in this way relating to traditional modes of cooking and perserving especially from non-western cultures. All I'm saying is that if your giving me Vol-au-Vent, actually walk me through it give me a better understanding of cooking. But we don't get that we get a very light surface level exploration of the food while the judges make small talk and its boring. What makes shows like Nailed It! or Cupcake Wars! fun with this format is the lightness of the subject. Nailed It! takes pride in fucking shit up, its not expected to be perfect its amauteur bakers and Nicole Byer is just like a afacable funny sassy bitch. I love her and its ok if she doesn't feel the same way.

Cupcake Wars has the same format of three randos getting a cash prize but these are professional bakers with like small businesses. Theres a narrative weight to winning. You want these people to suceed because there emotional resonate. The cupcake is also finate there is a certain amount of componates and its accessible. All compitition shows need to be able to be judged by the watcher. The Watcher is the most important judge. A competition show allows you to play at being the arbiter of taste. 

So Best Leftovers Ever! has two problems it fails at being a vehicle for the watcher to be Judge and it fails to be a cooking show that teaches an interesting aspect of cooking. It fails in both ways. 

Also this is a small note but I really don't like Jackie Tohn, she was apparently in the semi-finals for Season 8 of American Idol??? God I really feel sorry for people who win that show or either that or the Hollywood Machine that will be like if you have any face recognition to just put you on something your really not qualified for. 

Thats mean but for fucks sake shes a singer why is she hosting a cooking competition???

Anyway most competition shows have the Judges who are Eruditic and Cold and host kinda round out the dynamic. They tend to be not vulgarian but kitsch, they relate to the audience opinion and be like well I really like the aestetic of it. There the reality check for the judges the regular movie goer you get it. 

So in good shows the hosts tend to be the heart, the emotional support, the comic relief to cut the tension and in bad shows like this one. There just obnoxious and cringey. Ohohohoho its so funny your fridge is full of stalks of celery. Thats coconuts. Your singing a silly little song over the opening credits because thats something that you actually have a talented career in. Od Bodkins. 

Jackie Tohn get a better agent your better then this. 

Rating: 1/5 honestly its not bad for like background noise but its not worth watching closely. 

OK The Hachet Wielding Hitchhiker, one of those true crime docs that Netflix squirts out. 

First a lot of pretty criticize it for feeling bloated and slow and I agree they really tease out the SHOCKING TRUE CRIME and barely do anything with it. The editing style is snappy? but theres not much heart to it. Documentaries are a broad catergory but in general you want to ask a big question and explore it. 

Whats does changing the "Classic" Barbie mean for the industry and how did this toy affect Culture. (Tiny Shoulders: Rethinking Barbie (2018)) 

Who is David Huggins and whats with these alien paintings? (Love and Saucers (2017))

Whats it like to work in a newspaper kiosk in France and what is the future of newsprint? (The Kiosk (2020)

Yes, Nerds there are also Tone Poems and cineme verite and actualities and all that bullshit but we have to keep it simple for the people just getting into it. Fuck I'm still getting into it so sit down, shut up, and just watch your herner werzog ok babes. 

This film starts with a central question along the lines of  "why does the internet create this kind of hero worship through hero culture and how would that affect a mental unstable person". Ok good premise but I'm bareing the lead. 

The Hachet Wielding Hitchhiker in question is this guy named Rai who was a meme in 2012 or something??? This guy saved a chick who was being harassed by this racist man having a mental breakdown and then as the doc cock-teases out he is in turn arrested a year later for murdering his supposed rapist. Wow that sounds interesting and you wonder how they explore the effects that capitalism has on intentional homeless populations??? FUCK YOU FUCK YOU HARD WITH SOMETHING HARD AND SANDPAPERY.

NO. This movie is about a bunch of people who wanted to exploit the media circus around this and how Kai was like "a total psycho or something". No exploration of his mental health. The way that being homeless fucks with that shit. His abusive home life is hand waved. His fucking sexual assualt is handwaved. Hell they don't even interview this bitch. A whole movie about a person and he's never allowed to tell his story he's only shown through the interviews of people who were using him or through footage of his literal hero worship which almost feels like an intentional choice if this movie has any depth and wasn't the most explotative thing I've seen since Mondo Cane or Portriat of Jason. (take your pick babes). 

Rating: 1/5 No... just don't watch this. Watch that one with the russian cat circus. 

Ok Haunted, like every season. I watched all three seasons in apparently three days? I don't think I was depressed. 

Ok Haunted is one of those generic paranormal shows were people come in and there like "I've been haunted by an evil spirit"  and then they do a recreation with like horror effects. One I love shows like this its why its on my list. 2. This show is not good but its trash in a really fascinating way. First the interviewies almost treat it like a grief circle? Like there discussing there trauma in a safe space? and the show doesn't really draw a line between. Evil Zombie Cat created by 1980s satanist stereotypes and Gay Guy whose cult family sent him to Conversion Therapy. HAPPY PRIDE!

Its a show that a lot of people think is fake and part of me has to assume some of it is. or at least its fake in the way that when a alien abduction victim learns about implantation theory they suddenly have "recovered memories". Its very sensationalized and honestly kinda fucked up as a premise. I kinda want to do a video on it. 

Rating: 3/5 Problamatic Popcorn Fave

ok two more

Glow Up Season 4:

Its another season of Glow Up its great I love them, please keep making seasons and keep making gayer. 

Blown Away: Like all of it. I mean I watched all four seasons and the christmas special and like Alexander I have wept for there is no more to watch. 

OK so I love this show it is a perfect comfort show to be honest. The contestants are really wholesome, the pieces are really awesome, I love the judges, and also the host is like just a cute little dude. Just a silly little guy. You could just put him in your pocket. Iconic. 

Yeah this show is fantastic and it manages to give us drama and fun and cuntyness while just being wholesome. 

Heres something I sent my friend:

also this chick is like. "oh I'm going to make a homage to this bad bitch glass blower I admire. I am directly copying there shit."

and then the judge comes in and is like "babes feel like you plagirized a little. Thats like the dudes style"

and shes like "what thats totally crazy coconuts. I'm like so flattered you think it looks like his shit. '

and its like girlie own it. be like yeah its an homage. I wanted to do a silly little shape and I was hoping the stuff I added to the concept would have transformed it. Woopsie my bad. Imitations a form of flattery.

also the concept was like seven deadly sins and she got pride. and shes like Pride why don't we ask THE QUEERS.

Its like bitch you didn't even get the colors right.

ok but like... she didn't get the colors right? The gay pride flag has like 6 stripes on it from an original 8 and she does 7 little balls. Like babe thats not the pride flag tell me your not an ally without telling me your not an ally.

Anyway whores I wanted a quick and dirty article this month so stay tuned for next month as I barely keep this blog alive. Sorry babes I be hustling. Daddys busy. kisses.